Moon, sometimes I hide behind things in hopes of being unseen.
But sometimes, being something or someone different makes you stand out even when all you want to do is hide.
Too much attention can become too many demands, and expectations may lead to procrastination.
As you can’t keep up with being all or nothing and feeling like you failed sucks, you are looked at as something great, but you feel less than fabulous all the time.
And the expectations that you want for yourself are now impossible to contain, and your dream is gone like the moon on a cloudy day.
I know that I’m doing what I need to do because I have always put others first.
But as the new year quickly approaches I’m really gonna focus on myself and worry about others later when I have accomplish what I want to accomplish in my life for the time I need to get it done is not guaranteed for me.
I know right now I am here and in this moment I am focusing on what makes me, me and worrying about everything else later.
For a time for rest is now for I’ve been busy lately trying to forget and to get lost in almost everything so I don’t have to face the truth that’s been eating me up inside for quite some time now.
Maybe one day I’ll let it all out but for now only a little at a time will I cry and scream for the release I truly need to be at peace with myself.
the day comes to an end so does all the emotions that have been flowing through me all day.
Every little thing slowly affecting me in a way it felt as if it wasn’t me who was going through it all.
But a stranger, and the question that kept popping in my head was why me and why today.
Everything coming pouring out and I haven’t felt the same and I don’t know if I am okay.
Or if this was all the things I’ve been keep inside that decided that today was the day to let it out and let me face what has been bothering me all this time and that it’s okay to cry it out.
For once its all gone things with start to look up again but a little change will go a long way.
And I’m not afraid to show them and process them as they come and go.
And sometimes the emotions come so quickly they can’t be experienced in the privacy of my own space.
But, that’s life for you and sometimes we have to express ourselves even in our weakness moments that don’t feel like something we want to experience or explore in that moment.
It’s time to let it all out and hope that the strength that I am looking for will come again so that I can fight through this process but, at the same time not take this time for granted for it is something I need to do.
To move on from this side of the road for there is another crossroad I need to meet at and this time I may not go right but, I know that I won’t be going back either.
want to let go of all the frustration go because I’m tired of being mad and unsatisfied by the things that this life has been throwing my way.
I don’t want to be bothered with and so I start to distance myself for I just want to survive but, I don’t want to be involved anymore.
I’m here in this place with you but, I’m not going to keep giving myself because well I’m done and I don’t care anymore.
I know that now I just see what this really is now and I won’t sink anymore for I’m not about to save them all when in the end I’m just losing myself.
No one wants or needs to be saved at this time and even if I try which I have, it just comes back around as a failed attempt.
I’m done jumping through the many hops to only not please myself but no one else either.
I have learned that giving too much just ends up with you begging for some help when all your lifeboats are gone and there is no one around to save you.
Because they didn’t care in the first place to make sure you had a way out, you were dispensable and they had no desire to keep you around.
You were used up and washed out and well now you didn’t look like someone they needed to depend on, for there is always someone better just waiting for you to drop the ball.
And if so, were you ever going to tell me the truth
or was I supposed to figure it out on my own.
Did you think I would ever be found out?
Or were you hoping I never read your words you wrote that night, the words that would tear us apart.
The words that made it hard for me to go home that night, knowing you were there, pretending to be happy to see me.
The memories of the days flash back in my head as I try to see the sadness behind the smiles that you awarded me with every time I walked through that door.
The hugs you greeted me with, the kisses, the words you spoke to me
were they all lies too and when did it end for you and when was I to know your plan that it would soon be coming crashing down all around me.
The path I once thought was my end result now is blocked off with the words Impossible, don’t try to fix it for it is too late now.
Time to face the truth and call you out on it and then accept that this journey is over and the next one has just begun.
for I don’t know how much creativity is left in me right now.
I may have to take a break and come back to write something that will finally catch your eye.
I’m trying to be who you need me to be right now but, how can I be when the hope and magic that once put a fire under me that burned to strong.
Nothing could stop me from writing for my fingers just needed to type or write on a piece of paper.
And now the thoughts don’t come out or my fingers just don’t feel inspired anymore and even when I do write something good the flow just doesn’t continue on.
It ends with that piece and the next time I think of writing it just feels like I’m poking at a fire that has been gone out in the hopes that it will start-up again.
And the writing and the feeling inside of me will feel the same again and all my work and hopes won’t be so discouraged.
But, every time things slow do that feeling of dread comes over me and I just can’t seem to go on but yet I sit here knowing I’m beyond tired but yet my body and soul has yet to give up even when I know it’s time for me to move forward.
It’s time for me to finally rest my eyes and sleep a little longer for its time to stop fighting and just give up.
The tears will stop falling and I will slowly become strong and closed off again but, right the feeling of being alone doesn’t bother me as much as it used too.
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